Trigger Warning: This post recants my personal experiences with sex and religion and how they tied together. Some sensitive topics are brought up throughout the post to include oppression, shame, sexual guilt, rape/assault, porn, and relationships.
I grew up in a house that was less than welcoming of sex. I'm sure a lot of other women can relate. For those who grew up thinking there was something wrong with you for liking or being interested in sex, I'm here to tell you, there's nothing wrong with you.
My family is your standard conservative Christian family. We would go to church occasionally, celebrated Christmas and Easter in more of a religious sense than a commercial one and we didn't talk about sex. At all. Ever. My parents are very loving and good parents and always have been. They never did anything to make me feel unsafe as a child or like I was in any danger. I don't want to make them out to sound like they're monsters because they aren't. I love my parents very much.
Growing up, it wasn't ever like sex was actively shamed all the time, some forms of sexual expression were shamed like dressing provocatively or being promiscuous, but everyday average acts of sex and physical affection were just not present in our home. My parents slept in separate rooms. Which was more of a medical thing, my father struggled with heart disease and diabetes and it would cause him to get up many times throughout the night. As a courtesy to my mother, he slept on the couch so as to not wake her up throughout the night. They would hug and kiss hello and goodbye and they were always loving towards my sister and I and would snuggle with us. But that was all I ever saw for affection. I never saw my parents hold hands or snuggle on the couch. I never saw them kiss passionately. I never saw them dance together or hold one another when they were sad. During movies if there was a sex scene they would either avert their eyes or they would start talking to distract from the scene. We never had a "birds and the bees" conversation. I wasn't even allowed to be on birth control even though my doctor recommended it to lessen the pain from my menstrual cramps.
I had a hard time when I was in school trying to date. I didn't have the first clue of how to flirt with guys and when I would try I felt ashamed of my behavior because I thought my parents would disapprove and something about it just felt dirty and wrong to me. I had also discovered masturbation at a young age and I hated myself for how much I enjoyed it. Because my parents wouldn't talk about sex with me and my sister had moved across country, I resorted to learning about it in other ways like movies, song lyrics, romance novels, and yes, porn. Learning about sex and relationships in this way set a lot of really unhealthy expectations for my relationships that I did have.
I was never taught that sex, masturbation, fantasizing, and desiring human touch were okay and natural parts of life. So I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me. In church I learned that sex is sinful and that it is something to be avoided. I was taught that "loose women" would go to Hell for their promiscuity. I was taught that sex was only a means to bring children into the world and even then, it's still sinful. I was taught that women are responsible for men's emotions and desires and that if we do not wish to be assaulted, we must dress and act modestly. I was taught that virginity is the most valuable thing about a woman and without it, she is worthless and dirty. Those are heavy thoughts to have as a child, especially when you hit adolescence and all the sexual hormones kick in.
It wasn't until I got with my now husband that I was finally able to embrace my sexuality. He never made me feel like a weirdo or a freak for the things I enjoyed. He encouraged them and reminded me there's nothing to be ashamed of. He helped me to celebrate my body and desires. I'm not saying you need a man to show you these things or to liberate you, I'm simply sharing my experiences.
Since moving out of my childhood home, I've rejected the Christian narrative. Again, I'm not trying to bash on Christians here, but it isn't for me and it doesn't fit my lifestyle. I was agnostic before I got with my husband and now I am a proud Norse Pagan. Becoming pagan has helped to liberate me in so many ways by re-framing my mindset around sex and intimacy and helping me to unlearn a lot of the notions I had about sex previously.
I also want to touch on a little something I discovered in a sociology class I took called Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Heard of it? It's pretty interesting, but it played a huge role in my unlearning of sex as sin. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs states that certain needs must be met before others can be considered. He shows this in a pyramid format. So at the bottom we have our primary needs for survival: food, water, shelter, sleep, and sex. Yes, you read that right. Sex is considered a PRIMARY need for survival. It is a HUGE part of the human experience. So the next time someone tries to tell you "sex is sinful" and you disagree, show them this and ask them, if sex is sinful, is eating, drinking water, sleeping, and having a house also sinful?
Aside from converting my spirituality, I've also dedicated a lot of time to studying and researching sexuality and women's history and I do consider myself to be a feminist. I love women. We are strong, capable, fierce, intelligent, amazing beings and we should all be proud to be feminine. I also do a lot of work to actively correct the conversation around women's bodies and their sexual experiences to try and erase the double standard. You know what I mean: we are supposed to be beautiful and sexy, but we aren't supposed to enjoy sex because that makes us whores. We are't supposed to be too risque because then we are "asking for it," but we aren't supposed to be too conservative because then we are a prude and "you're never gonna get a husband that way." We are supposed to be thin, but not too skinny cause "men like a little bit of meat on the bone" but we aren't supposed to be fat because we've "let ourselves go and we don't care about how we look." So to ALL of that, I say screw it. People are gonna judge and hate anyway. Just be you. There's nothing wrong with any of it.
If you are feeling ostracized or outcast from your family or community for your desires and the way that you choose to live your life, I want you to know you have a home with me. I will be your safe space. I will not judge you. You are welcome here. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken. You are whole. You are human. And you are worthy (of love, of acceptance, of respect, and of happiness).
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