It happens to all of us at one point or another: we suddenly go weeks (or even months) without any intimacy with our partner. And it seems like the longer you go without sex, the more distant you become. You might even start to get irritable or resentful towards them, thinking they don't love you anymore or maybe wondering if there's someone else.
Well, I'm here to put some, but hopefully all, of your fears to rest about dry spells, what they mean, and how to get out of one.
Why do dry spells happen?
They can happen for a myriad of reasons. Stress, pregnancy or birth, menopause, exhaustion, medication or a medical condition, or insecurities are all very common causes of a dry spell between you and your partner. Oftentimes, it has nothing to do with how your partner feels about you or how you feel about them.
Ok, so then how do we break out of it then?
Well, the short answer is, just have sex. But, it can be a little more complicated than that. Here are some of the most common causes of dry spells and how to fix them.
The Problem: Stress
The first thing you should assess is if there have been any major changes in your lives as of late. Did you just welcome a new family member? Or maybe you said goodbye to one. Did either of you change jobs or move up or down in the ranks at your current job? Did you guys recently move? Has either of you been injured or gotten sick? Are either of you working more or less hours than normal? Did someone lose a job or take a pay cut? Was there a big expense that is hurting your finances like a new car or home or medical bill? How are you both sleeping? Are either of you in pain on a daily basis? Is there a strained family relationship or friendship?
All of these things can factor into one of the major causes of low sex drive: stress. When one or both of you is overwhelmed with stress, it can be a BIG distraction from the relationship and it can be hard to get out of your head long enough to be intimate.
The Solution: Support
I would suggest sitting down together, with no distractions, and just touching base with one another. Ask if there's anything bothering them that you're unaware of. Let them know that you're on their side and you are there for them if they need you. Try to just listen and hold space without immediately trying to swoop in and fix the problem or save the day. Sometimes, your partner just needs to know that you have their back.
The Problem: Pregnancy/Birth
When a woman is pregnant, she may feel uncomfortable having sex. She may be worried about hurting her baby or it might hurt for her to be in any kind of sexual position. She may be having a hard time breathing or be suffering from heart burn or sciatic nerve pain. She may not feel sexy or confident at all.
Likewise, when a man's partner is pregnant, he may be worried about hurting her or the baby, he may be stressed about the responsibilities that come with a newborn, or he could feel uncomfortable or like he is pressuring her.
After a woman gives birth, it's recommended that she abstain from intercourse for anywhere from 6-12 weeks depending on if her birth was vaginal or a c-section, how badly she tore, or if there were any other complications during birth. Women's hormone levels also drop dramatically after birth and that can make it difficult for them to get in the mood and for them to become lubricated. Depending on where she is at in her healing process it can be painful or uncomfortable. In this instance, it's always best to listen to the recommendation of her doctor, but even if she has been cleared for intercourse, it can still be uncomfortable for her and she may not be interested in sex. Women also usually have to wait at least 8 weeks before resuming contraception which raises their chances of becoming pregnant again, which is not safe for her. Lastly, a woman's body goes through immense changes during pregnancy and her postpartum body may feel strange and different to her. She may be struggling with confidence issues, incontinence, hemorrhoids, engorged or painful breasts, or postpartum depression (or a combination of all these). She's likely not sleeping well either.
The Solution: Patience and Flexibility
It's always a good idea to let her lead the way in the bedroom after childbirth. The best way to know how she is feeling is through communication. Don't get angry or frustrated if she is not in the mood or if she wants to stop because she is uncomfortable. This will make her feel devalued and unsupported. Instead, go into any sexual encounter with low expectations and just allow things to progress naturally. If she has expressed that she wants to be intimate, but that penetrative sex is painful, be open to trying new things like toys, oral favors, or massage. And make sure you go slow.
It's also a good idea to help out with the newborn as much as possible. Don't rely on her to do all of the heavy lifting. Offer to change diapers or feed the baby if she isn't nursing. Take the baby on a walk and let her get a nap. Help with household chores like cleaning, cooking, and laundry. Help her to feel supported by bringing her snacks and water and tending to her when she seems frustrated. Having a newborn is very stressful and mothers often feel very alone. Let her know you are there for her and she will be more open to intimacy when you guys have the chance.
The Problem: Medication or a Medical Condition
Sometimes medication can completely kill our sex drive. It's not so much that we don't want sex, but more so that we just don't even really think about it.
Medical conditions can also complicate sex. Depending on what it is, the solution varies. It's always important to listen to your doctor and to your own body when you have a medical condition or injury and what they recommend for intercourse or intimacy. And if it's your partner that has the condition, listen to them and respect their boundaries.
The Solution: Better Foreplay and Non-Sexual Intimacy
As I mentioned before, when a medication is killing our sex drive, we often just don't even think about or consider intimacy. So sending your partner cues that you want to be intimate is going to go a long way. Try to touch each other often. And this doesn't have to be sexual. Just holding hands or greeting one another with a hug and a kiss, or resting your hand on their leg while watching a movie can help to signal to them that you want to be intimate. Sometimes you have to be the one to be vulnerable and initiate.
If they take your cues, and they express that they're interested in trying to be intimate, don't skimp on the foreplay! This is your chance to build excitement for both of you and make this an exciting opportunity to bond and explore each other's wants and needs. You can introduce toys or accessories, try something new like role play or bondage, give a sensual massage (read this post for tips on giving the perfect at home massage), or play a fun sex game to really build that anticipation for the big finale.
The Problem: Insecurities
This is often one that causes issues in my own marriage. I can tend to let my own insecurities get in the way of welcoming intimacy from my husband.
Insecurities can occur around a variety of things. They could be about body image or weight, performance or stamina, or security in the relationship in general. If you or your partner is feeling insecure, it can be difficult to welcome touch or sex and allow yourself to be vulnerable.
The Solution: Trust, Communication, and Vulnerability
If it's you that is feeling insecure, try to look inward and figure out what is causing that insecurity. If you're worried about how you look, but your partner tells you that they think you're beautiful, believe them! If they're trying to initiate intimacy, chances are they're attracted to you and think that you look great. If performance or stamina is what you are concerned about, you can talk to your doctor about performance enhancers or you can use OTC (over the counter) enhancements like prolonging cream or c-rings. If you're feeling insecure in the relationship in general, communicate that with your partner. Tell them what you need from them to help you feel more secure and safe.
If it's your partner who is feeling insecure, the best course of action is to always be patient and gentle. Respect their boundaries. If they want the lights off, leave the lights off. If they want to keep their shirt on, let them keep their shirt on. Remind them as much as you can that you love them and that you're there for them. Praise them on things besides their appearance throughout the day to help them foster confidence in other areas. Take the emphasis off of looks. Try not to be overly pressuring during intimacy. And if they are struggling with performance or stamina, don't ever make fun of them for it. That will only serve to make them less interested in sex. Try to be understanding and reassuring. Remember, they're not doing that to hurt you and it's likely something they're very upset about themselves.
Putting it all into action
Okay, so now that we have clarified some common problems and solutions, I want to walk you through exactly what I do when I want to break a dry spell with my husband.
Adjust your expectations. This might sound counter-intuitive, but don't fixate on the end goal of having sex. Adjust your expectation from having intercourse to establishing connection.
Take the focus off yourself. Is it possible that your partner is dealing with something internally that you don't know about and that's why you're in a dry spell? Assess your overall situation and try to center them and their feelings.
Communicate. Take time to sit down with your partner without distractions and talk to them. Work on actively listening to them and hearing what they are telling you. Don't focus on what you're going to say next or on solutions. Just listen to them and hold space and help them to feel seen.
Practice open body language. When we are upset, we close our bodies to our partners. Try to communicate non-verbally with your partner. Open your chest to them. Keep your arms open, not crossed over your chest. Lean in towards them when they talk to you. Look at them in the eyes while you communicate. Point your toes towards them. Show them with your body that you are open to them.
Touch. When re-establishing intimacy after a dry spell, this step can be particularly intimidating. But it is so so important. If you want to break the dry spell, you have to be a little vulnerable. Start small. Try just giving them a hug or squeezing their arm when they seem upset. If you're walking around, hold their hand. If you're spending the night in, sit close to them. Put your arm around them or lean into them and put your head on their shoulder. Most likely, the physical affection will be well received and often they will realize how much they were craving your touch. Physical touch is a very difficult thing to ask for because it requires vulnerability on both sides. However, it's so profoundly powerful when establishing intimacy.
Initiate foreplay WITHOUT the expectation of sex. Give your partner a sensual massage or have a make-out session. Play with toys or props like ice cubes or body paint. Go into this with the goal of just connecting to your partner. Take the pressure off of both of you and just enjoy yourselves. If it leads to sex, then great. If not, you still had a wonderful time bonding and reconnecting with your partner.
One more thing...
Keep in mind that what works for us might not work for you. Everyone's situation is different. Also, depending on how long you have been in a dry spell and what the extenuating circumstances are surrounding why you entered the dry spell in the first place, it could take a few tries over the course of a few days or weeks to actually break the dry spell and accomplish intercourse. That's why I tried to reiterate many times that patience is key and expectations need to be low. As always, your main goal should be to connect and bond with your partner, as having a strong connection and healthy relationship with open lines of communication will set the stage for intimacy long term. Sex is always a bonus to relationships and should never be the main focus point or reason you are with someone. That being said, I do realize how important it can be in relationships to be physically intimate.
Have you tried these tips? Did they work to help break the dry spell in your relationship? Let me know in the comments!